Archive | January, 2012

Complete Singleness

23 Jan

Someone might consider themselves single if they are not married. Single could possibly be the status if they have friends with benefits, a boo thang or have a roommate that happens to be the opposite sex, who they happen to have sex with from time to time. (Which falls under the category of friends with benefits or shacked up.)

First let me say I’ve never had a shacked up, live-in boyfriend situation. In the back of my mind I can imagine this putting a damper on possibly taking the next steps, which would be marriage. That’s just my opinion. My grandmother would say in an old-fashioned phrase “why buy the cow, when you’re getting the milk for free.”

On the contrary I’ve heard others say it’s a good way to test the waters before diving in. It’s just plain out not my style. Let’s see, single, forward focused, peace, God, fabulous, trying to raise a boy to a man,…move a man into my house…that’s where my natural high gets blown. 

Complete Singleness, which has been my status for over 2 1/2 years now, is  the path that is less likely to be traveled. I say that because for a woman to be “completely single” means she is single and not dating, not entertaining men or filling any voids with the attention of men. Friends included.

The fact that I do have a son and did before being ushered into an experience such as this, does not serve as genuine proof anymore on the terms of sexual preferences. So of course I’ve seen people ranging from family, friends to perfect strangers go through loopholes to try and find out what was going on with me during this time. Some of it very childish, silly and somewhat entertaining.

The 1st year around I didn’t know I was going in that direction. At the one year mark it came to me that I had been completely single. I had only spent time with family and female friends and a large amount of that time at church and events. The 2nd and 1/2 year  I saw family every now and then but the majority of that time, was spent with my son, working out, reading, writing and teaching him.

And now it’s not that big of a deal approaching a 3rd year. It’s absolutely something to be celebrated. But I can hardly take credit. In the beginning I thought a year by myself would be good. The events in my life that had taken place pushed me to this place and before long I realized it was something on my list of things I wanted to do.

Which allowed me to see success is based on how an individual measures it. This was another goal accomplished.

As a result a lot of things has changed for me. I’m not as traditional anymore when it comes to holidays or certain ideas I grew up on. I move to the beat of my own drum. I’m being challenged in learning some things all over but I’ve gained a fresh beginning in return.

Specifically on the topic of relationships, it’s not priority on my list of things to do. I’m patient in that area of my life. After all of this time, it’s like everything has been renewed. My heart with no baggage. Every area is ready to receive should God send. And I know now, the difference from something sent by God and something coming on it’s own claiming God sent it. I read in a magazine “make room for your blessing.” And I feel like I have. Nothing from the old is occupying my life.

I talk a lot about my son, but he’s been a big part especially in this area of my life. In this time of being single, my time has been spent with my son Caleb. Because I would never talk to or entertain men around him and we were always together, there was no space in my life for anyone. When guys would try to approach me, he would always ask me “what do they want.” And how some of them would try to win him over first  never worked. He’s very funny and aware.

That to me is one of the reasons why my son is a blessing. His eyes are always watching me and that is enough to make a person crazy. I don’t try to make him think I’m perfect, I allow him to see my errors, but I care about what he sees from me. The downside is I don’t think he expects for me to have a boyfriend or husband. So I feel somewhat sorry for the man who will be, starting out.

Complete singleness can be guided into. Set aside a period of time that you promise to not be involved with anyone and stick to it. This was one area like exercising or eating right I wasn’t allowed any slack offs. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a complete. Make an effort to build a better relationship with God. He loves attention. It has to get to a point where you know He is pursuing you and when He stops you’ll go back after him. Don’t look for love. “Love will come.” Take advantage of the time and tune out of everything that’s popular. For me I had to cancel Face Book. Which was only for 5 or 6 months. But it made a big difference. Everything that I was supposed to have or do, I needed to know I could survive without it.

One year is a lot of days to get through. Especially with “Sweetest Day” and Valentine’s Day, the cold weather and the holiday seasons. Any day that causes for an excuse to have something to hold on to. (lol). So naturally, you may get the feeling of loneliness. It can be overcome. With staying busy and learning to do everything you would want someone else to do for you, for yourself. I also learned that you’ll find what you are really passionate about if you continue it when you are your only audience. When no one else is watching. And then when everyone else is watching they’ll know what you are most passionate about without you having to tell them.

The best result of it all, is that anything that was supposed to be long term but fell apart during that time help me to better see the foundation of what something long lasting should be built on. Especially friendships and family. I learned who was in my life for the long run and who was there for a home run. Who was there for a season and who for a reason.

When you give God your whole life He will filter through it all and then “restore you to your rightful place.”


1 Jan

Today is Christmas, December 25, 2011 and right around this time every year people get excited about the upcoming New Year. Several plans are made to grab hold of the newness wrapped up in the beginning of a new year. Dieting plans, kicking bad habits, letting go of old baggage. Pretty much getting rid of anything that does not add on to positive changes that we plant in our minds to help bring forth the new. Year after year we repeat this cycle.

Why is change linked with the upcoming of the next year?

January 1st the year rolls around and begins and it’s exciting. There is a list of brand new things to do, yet it seems by the middle of the month the excitement about each item on that list fades. How do you keep the enthusiasm after the fireworks are over and the only thing that needs adding to is working and waiting for things to happen.

We put so much emphasis around the idea of the actual New Year’s day that we forget to remember that real results take time. And in that time we learn resilience and patience.

Some results I got in my life when my circumstances wouldn’t let me get excited about any day happened because I put more emphasis on the work than the results and a timeline. My circumstances of not having everything I wanted, thought I needed made me deal with sacrifice, working while in pain, working without, constantly working when work was all I had to. A situation I would have likely in a normal day of life quit, waited for what I wanted, to begin again.

Sacrifice is demanded when it comes to obtaining anything you want. It’s hard to stay the course when things are knocking at you every which of way. It gets challenging to hold on to a dream while feeling like you’re being picked at, picked on, pushed, pulled and sometimes it feels like punished. Sometimes it’s hard to see how those things you are facing leads up to your goals and dreams.

When a situation feels like it has a hold on me I result more to junk food (comfort food). And I may waiver in situations that cause for sudden decision making. Each time when I do slack off, I always try to make a way to get back. That’s important. Instead of keep going the wrong way.

When those tests feel like they are not tests but how your life is going to be, the same things that were important before is not as important to you during that time. As if they never really were. And it was just going through the motions. After a while the light bulb always comes back on reminding you this is for your growth. This is a test. Trial and tribulation to make you stronger. It is rare that you’ll be able to see the light or hear the switch flicker on with crowds of people and their opinions.  Even when you are at the lowest, being alone and dealing with your fears again, served to you in a different way each time is when you start to remember. Family, friends, they all may try to mean well. But their words return to them unheeded to when your life depends mostly on what you know you have planned and what you presented to God.

Taking that into the New Year I have to remember my new years come often. Several times during a year to help restore my initial desires, thoughts and wants in going after something. Then holding on to it once I get it. It can’t just be January 1st. It’s too long of a wait until the next one comes around. So after each hard spot, challenge, obstacle or test I try to treat it like I would a new year. I’m physically running again, eating better, doing better, more humbled each time and I learn not to give up on things I’ve invested in. With my work, son and everything. No matter the obstacles that get in the way. It gets hard especially when it feels like I’ve been put on display to waste away in front of everyone. After the tears each time, not going forth is still not an option. So like a kid returns to a parent for love after a disciplining, I go back for more. God is God.

Happy New Year