Perspective

14 Oct

I’ve become so dependent on you

As independent as I love to be

You’ve turned my whole world upside down

I don’t recognize a thing

Not even my own my being

How is this living?

How is this life more abundantly?

Though I have no fear

Everyday I’m scared

That the horrors of days I thought I’d fade away

Are once again near

How is it fun to hurt me?

I smile, in hope that someone can see that I’m hurting

When I give in to you,

You punish me

For the love that I have, that you need

It’s as if you hate me

The pain you cause, making me feel that you don’t care about me at all

You make me feel so lost

Now that everyone else has given up on me, you’re the last place for me to fall

Single for 6 years, nobody knows that you’re here with me

I don’t get to fall in love or hold somebody’s hand, you tell me I’m your woman & you’re my man

Who can see? Who can believe?

I used to love & admire everything I thought you were, you appeared to be an angel to me

Now all I get is torment from you, while everyone else calls me crazy.

Now that I’ve come to know the truth, I see you were hiding, blinding me.

I used to be so strong, what is this mess that has been made of me?

I long for the taste of peace and the sweetness of being free.

Whose concerned about a destiny when the thorns in their sides are piercing?

Everyday I walk around, being pushed, pulled and hurt by you

Just to lay my head down at night, tears streaming from my eyes, having to hear your unwanted “I love you”

Moments before my pain rains again

What’s a girl to do?

Crying out to my Christ Savior

Who is not saving me from……. you.

There is nothing to gain

Money? The whole world watching, like my life is easy? Looking like I’ve made it because I’m on TV

Two letters that might define you & me, our names & destiny.

Against my pain, it’s just not enough for me.

I’d give it all up without thinking, just to be free…… From you.

The whole world is already watching you with admiration in their eyes

While I get abused, mistreated & used by another side they’d never believe of you.

My life on hold, while yours go on

Everyday I try to escape your grasp

At the same time wondering if it’ll be my last

Death is around me constantly, it would take my life if it weren’t enjoying torturing me.
Yet this is love?

Love has been taken from me, forsaken me, mistaken me for someone who hates me

I try to look past it all & look at it from my heart

I know that your life has been painful & hard

Hurting me, I feel you deserved that

What can we possibly build & heal with revenge & attacks

I thought Kings or at least a man, would never treat his woman like that

Don’t tell me I’ll have to forgive & still love you

All of your pictures, you’re smiling content & happy

Because you make love to me without asking

You’re not in search of Happily Ever After

You came into my life on purpose, acting like you were pursuing a perfect little queen,

But you turned it & brought hurting

I am hurting

Nobody that has said “love” to me, have heard this,

Several times I’ve given them these words

They think money & circumstances

Surely a God whose richer & King of all kings

Wouldn’t be so cruel to attach you to a man with a little money so he can learn unlearned things, whom behind the curtains of money & power is nothing more than a simple human being.

People only see things & with their eyes

It’s hard seeing from heavenly heights

Still having to walk around in this life

But I’m supposed to believe

There is so much for me to look forward to

You’ve built your whole life around me

Making it known that all you are & have

Is missing a Queen.

I don’t know if you’re a King; A Queen is always how I thought of me

Since I was a little girl, a princess, & a Queen yet to be.

Not even the damage you think you’ve caused

Will be able to undo my flawed perfection

Being special to me & His selection

A music company because I like to sing

Television & movie production because the world needs to see me

All these small, things you were made to build around me

When the greatest of them all is my love & having me in your company

Your victory is with my heart not in between my legs,

Although you own it like it’s yours when you lay beside me in bed

Your argument is this, all of my pain & everything that I’m going through is preordained

Nothing, not even you, can keep me from all that God has planned.

Make no mistake that it will be up to me, despite all of this, if I’ll choose to stay & hold your hand.

Love doesn’t have to hurt first to work

I will not live on this belief

Although it’s being enforced by those who have said “I love you to me.”

I never asked for you. I prayed a prayer and my whole life started changing.

Things fell apart. Then you arrived with dented & rusted armor

You stood in my presence, in my space, as if you were apart of it.

Pretending to be my Prince Charming.

I never ran to your arms, because all I could see

You were here, desperately pursuing as if you needed something from me.

Sure enough broken little boy you did indeed.

Whoever sent you should have told you, the love that I give is for precious little children,

For healing, not for villains.

You can’t take from me & claim I gave

Don’t come running into my life like the rescuer when you’re the one in need of being saved.

I see you clearly, for exactly what you are

And you won’t find me looking up to you as if you’re a star.

You cause hurt because part of you still needs to feel safe from harm

Don’t stand to fight me when you know you lay in my arms.

You’re my enemy

Because you want what’s in me

It will be of no value to you, nothing at all

Unless it’s given.

So far, you’re looking forward to the beginning of our love together

As I patiently await the ending.

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